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haptalaonWelcome to Part III. These are tools you could use while training new coven members/initiates
Probably one of the most important techniques on the list.
Have a session on abuse with initiates i.e. about the same time as one teaches them to shield against nasties on the astral. Teach everyone how to spot it, what it feels like, what it looks like, what to do when you encounter it. Give them a printout of Bonewits’ Cult Danger Evaluation Tool, and other third-party resources.
Let initiates know it is always OK to discuss the behaviour of members with outsiders, and make clear that abusive behaviour is not covered by any oaths of silence or discretion one might have taken.
Ensure this session is led without prejudice:
(A key problem in queerfeminist scenes? Talking constantly about abuse as a thing associated with cisgender white straight men, even though we’re in a queerfeminist community and therefore straight men are spectacularly not relevant to the reality of my friendships, relationships and social networks. The dangerous blindspot that people thus develop both towards people around them, and to their own behaviour. Our community predator turned out to be the person running the biggest consent activism network, because of course it did and my life is a joke.)
I think I'd like to try writing out a template for this training session sometime soon.
Early stage magical training often contains a lot of “shadow work” stuff about your past, your fears, etc. That material should only be seen by the applicant.
(I recently applied to join an online group which sent me a huge 2nd stage application form which included some “what do you most regret in your life” and “how do you handle feelings of unhappiness” style questions. Not information I’m happy to give over to a spiritual leader, especially not at so early a stage.)
See also Catholic confession: the expectation to tell your spiritual leader about your transgressions must have quite a powerful hold over you.
Failure Mode: “You can only practice this style of craft in a coven of 13 when given appropriate status by us and a charter to operate a lodge; without it, the spirits will never favour you, as we are the only true church. You'll never work in this town again!”
Success Mode: The Campsite Rule - leave members in a better state than when they joined your group.
This one is about possession. Abuse usually comes hand-in-hand with possessive behaviour – the abuser seeing the abus-ee as an extension of themselves, rather than accepting the person as an individual with their own experiences and goals.
Dan Savage talks about the Campsite Rule for relationships – especially for when you are dating someone younger. You’re supposed to leave the campsite in a better state than you found it. Your ex should leave a relationship reflecting fondly on how you both grew and learned and became better people for the experience, even though it didn't work out. The ideal parent trains a child to no longer need them – they teach their child how to cook so their child has a skill and is stronger for it. They don’t put limits or controls on that ability or requirements on what or when they cook.
But this one is a little complicated. Lots of apprenticeship/training providers IRL work on the basis that training will be repaid with a certain number of years of work – “we invest in you in exchange for you investing in us”. This isn’t unreasonable – you train people in your tradition to prepare them to work within that tradition, in the hope they will be there for many years.
Still, there’s a middle ground here. The key is to proactively foster an environment where members are not ritual props who belong to the coven, but individuals who one day will leave this coven – hopefully stronger, wiser, and more skilled for the experience. This includes:
Failure Mode: “Third level Adepts are the greatest mages, so know your place novice”
Success Mode: “Everyone has an individual skill-set, both magical and non-magical; everyone here has something important to offer the group. Carol is an excellent chef, and Bob here is a junior librarian in the Local Archives. Morgan has reached her third Divination badge, and generally oversees training in this for newcomers; Alice handles ritual-design and research”
Degree structures etc are like knives – great for buttering bread, shame some wangrods feel the need to stab people. I find the idea of attaining grades or levels motivating, & it helps me organise my thinking and learning in a really tangible way. But think critically about the purpose of degrees, titles etc, and how they ought to be used. They aren’t inevitably bad, but one needs to be reflective about their purpose. Again, Proportionate Means. Again, leaders having an awareness of grandiose feelings which come with a grand title, and handling them appropriately.
But learning isn’t linear, and neither is skill. I’m imagining something closer to Girl Guide badges, where the group affirms and celebrates everyone’s strengths. Your novice might play the guitar or speak Anglo Saxon or know how to brew herbal beers – and these skills are as valuable to a functioning group endeavour as inner understanding of a tradition.
Now, a similar aim can be accomplished without tinkering with Degrees at all. It's less about ensuring all your members get a special feel-good magic hat, than ensuring they are seen as important contributors. Degrees are a useful illustration and "scapegoat" for this kind of ugliness, but you could have a coven with no ranks at all which nevertheless failed hard at valuing all its members.
Failure mode: “I have had a vision that Carol is no longer the High Priestess, and in fact it was traditional for women over a certain age to give way to a youthful maiden. Carol, have you met my new girlfriend Susan?”
Success mode: “This coven would be nothing without Carol’s drumming, and I’ve met someone new who’s also a dressmaker and we got talking about ritual robes”
Have you noticed that Bloc Party credit all their songs to “Block Party” rather than “Lennon; McCartney; Lennon & McCartney”? The man who wrote the chord sequence for Every Breath You Take gets 100% of the royalties, much to the chagrin of the man who created its iconic jangling guitar sound without which the song would be nothing. Robert Plant and Jimmy Page didn’t bother inviting John Paul Jones to the Led Zeppelin reunion tour. Ringo is my favourite Beatle; he may not be a Great Genius Artist, but good luck playing those songs without drums.
This is similar to my ideas about couples hunting to add a third to their relationship. So many of them really ought to hire a sex worker, because they’re looking for a prop to fulfil a fantasy – and one ought to pay for a service like that. Very few are looking for a flawed, messy, brilliant human to form an organic and complicated part of their lives. One also sees this in band adverts constantly: “I have written all the music for a three-album trilogy concept and drew the concept art and now I am looking for every other member of the band”. Dude, hire some session musicians. When you need someone to play music for you, you pay them. That’s not a band.
So a lot of it is about cultivating an environment. We want to diminish the risk of a certain personality being seen as the “star” of a coven, and everyone else their backing band – no one is essential, no one is disposable. We’re making music together, as a collective.
Include abuse training in your initiatory program
Probably one of the most important techniques on the list.
Have a session on abuse with initiates i.e. about the same time as one teaches them to shield against nasties on the astral. Teach everyone how to spot it, what it feels like, what it looks like, what to do when you encounter it. Give them a printout of Bonewits’ Cult Danger Evaluation Tool, and other third-party resources.
Let initiates know it is always OK to discuss the behaviour of members with outsiders, and make clear that abusive behaviour is not covered by any oaths of silence or discretion one might have taken.
Ensure this session is led without prejudice:
- assume the trainee might be a potential abuser, or a potential victim
- don’t associate abuse with particular genders or sexualities
- ensure you foreground the possibility of encountering abuse within your organisation, rather than it being “something other people do”
(A key problem in queerfeminist scenes? Talking constantly about abuse as a thing associated with cisgender white straight men, even though we’re in a queerfeminist community and therefore straight men are spectacularly not relevant to the reality of my friendships, relationships and social networks. The dangerous blindspot that people thus develop both towards people around them, and to their own behaviour. Our community predator turned out to be the person running the biggest consent activism network, because of course it did and my life is a joke.)
I think I'd like to try writing out a template for this training session sometime soon.
Don’t ask to see reflective work
Early stage magical training often contains a lot of “shadow work” stuff about your past, your fears, etc. That material should only be seen by the applicant.
(I recently applied to join an online group which sent me a huge 2nd stage application form which included some “what do you most regret in your life” and “how do you handle feelings of unhappiness” style questions. Not information I’m happy to give over to a spiritual leader, especially not at so early a stage.)
See also Catholic confession: the expectation to tell your spiritual leader about your transgressions must have quite a powerful hold over you.
Make leaving possible & positive
Failure Mode: “You can only practice this style of craft in a coven of 13 when given appropriate status by us and a charter to operate a lodge; without it, the spirits will never favour you, as we are the only true church. You'll never work in this town again!”
Success Mode: The Campsite Rule - leave members in a better state than when they joined your group.
This one is about possession. Abuse usually comes hand-in-hand with possessive behaviour – the abuser seeing the abus-ee as an extension of themselves, rather than accepting the person as an individual with their own experiences and goals.
Dan Savage talks about the Campsite Rule for relationships – especially for when you are dating someone younger. You’re supposed to leave the campsite in a better state than you found it. Your ex should leave a relationship reflecting fondly on how you both grew and learned and became better people for the experience, even though it didn't work out. The ideal parent trains a child to no longer need them – they teach their child how to cook so their child has a skill and is stronger for it. They don’t put limits or controls on that ability or requirements on what or when they cook.
But this one is a little complicated. Lots of apprenticeship/training providers IRL work on the basis that training will be repaid with a certain number of years of work – “we invest in you in exchange for you investing in us”. This isn’t unreasonable – you train people in your tradition to prepare them to work within that tradition, in the hope they will be there for many years.
Still, there’s a middle ground here. The key is to proactively foster an environment where members are not ritual props who belong to the coven, but individuals who one day will leave this coven – hopefully stronger, wiser, and more skilled for the experience. This includes:
- making as much of practice “open” as possible so members could go on to found a coven doing something similar-ish without breaking any big vows
- Encourage coven members to network with other covens and magical groups, and be aware of other approaches – rather than encouraging a “our way is the only true way, and other covens are filled with our enemies” insularity. This helps members discover what is “normal” in Paganism.
- Demonstrate ways you can practice individually, or in other group structures
- Encourage members to try other kinds of magic, groups, and traditions, rather than demanding "spiritual monogamy" or cutting them off from other ideas
- Support their growth, even if that growth is away from your group, and away from what you "wanted" from them.
Leaving a group should be, like Jennet said in an earlier comment, a “we’re all doing good work but aren’t a great fit for each other any more” sort of affair. Like a university who is proud of its alumni, going off to do great things, or an old job which gave you experience and development opportunities, and a good reference.
Flexible degree structure
Failure Mode: “Third level Adepts are the greatest mages, so know your place novice”
Success Mode: “Everyone has an individual skill-set, both magical and non-magical; everyone here has something important to offer the group. Carol is an excellent chef, and Bob here is a junior librarian in the Local Archives. Morgan has reached her third Divination badge, and generally oversees training in this for newcomers; Alice handles ritual-design and research”
Degree structures etc are like knives – great for buttering bread, shame some wangrods feel the need to stab people. I find the idea of attaining grades or levels motivating, & it helps me organise my thinking and learning in a really tangible way. But think critically about the purpose of degrees, titles etc, and how they ought to be used. They aren’t inevitably bad, but one needs to be reflective about their purpose. Again, Proportionate Means. Again, leaders having an awareness of grandiose feelings which come with a grand title, and handling them appropriately.
But learning isn’t linear, and neither is skill. I’m imagining something closer to Girl Guide badges, where the group affirms and celebrates everyone’s strengths. Your novice might play the guitar or speak Anglo Saxon or know how to brew herbal beers – and these skills are as valuable to a functioning group endeavour as inner understanding of a tradition.
Now, a similar aim can be accomplished without tinkering with Degrees at all. It's less about ensuring all your members get a special feel-good magic hat, than ensuring they are seen as important contributors. Degrees are a useful illustration and "scapegoat" for this kind of ugliness, but you could have a coven with no ranks at all which nevertheless failed hard at valuing all its members.
Be a team
Failure mode: “I have had a vision that Carol is no longer the High Priestess, and in fact it was traditional for women over a certain age to give way to a youthful maiden. Carol, have you met my new girlfriend Susan?”
Success mode: “This coven would be nothing without Carol’s drumming, and I’ve met someone new who’s also a dressmaker and we got talking about ritual robes”
Have you noticed that Bloc Party credit all their songs to “Block Party” rather than “Lennon; McCartney; Lennon & McCartney”? The man who wrote the chord sequence for Every Breath You Take gets 100% of the royalties, much to the chagrin of the man who created its iconic jangling guitar sound without which the song would be nothing. Robert Plant and Jimmy Page didn’t bother inviting John Paul Jones to the Led Zeppelin reunion tour. Ringo is my favourite Beatle; he may not be a Great Genius Artist, but good luck playing those songs without drums.
This is similar to my ideas about couples hunting to add a third to their relationship. So many of them really ought to hire a sex worker, because they’re looking for a prop to fulfil a fantasy – and one ought to pay for a service like that. Very few are looking for a flawed, messy, brilliant human to form an organic and complicated part of their lives. One also sees this in band adverts constantly: “I have written all the music for a three-album trilogy concept and drew the concept art and now I am looking for every other member of the band”. Dude, hire some session musicians. When you need someone to play music for you, you pay them. That’s not a band.
So a lot of it is about cultivating an environment. We want to diminish the risk of a certain personality being seen as the “star” of a coven, and everyone else their backing band – no one is essential, no one is disposable. We’re making music together, as a collective.
