Hearth & Horn

One possibly positive thing happening this week is, I have a first appointment at the gender clinic.

I'm actually quite worried about it from a spiritual perspective. if you read my stuff uhhhh it can't have escaped your notice that I dissociate an awful lot, and those sensory experiences are woven into the magics I understand. Things like, I've got a technique for tripping out by looking at the horizon in a certain way, or really leaning into my agoro/megalophobia, and the ways that wide open skies, mountains and unbounded oceans frighten me yeahhhh I can drift straight off and go somewhere, and that's the altered state that lets the light shine through.

Or having a path that explores acceptance of a heavy fate, depression specifically as a depersonalising disorientation, a big grey mugginess, that sort of transcends ideas about how the British winter feels, and is instead almost certainly some kind of this.

(but does that invalidate it? after all, isn't everyday paganism just a kind of making-sacred, and the elements of power the tools that you have at your command?)

My trans feels come out in ways far more abstract than just Talking About Magic And Gender - in many ways, I don't find gender that interesting - but the abstractions of gender dysphoria consume your life, unavoidably; the brain wasn't meant to deal with this level of dissonance and the ways it works around it are bizzare, and somewhat delightful.

So I do wonder what, if anything, is going to shift, if I get to a point where I don't feel like a poorly reheated microwave dinner most of the time.