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haptalaonWelcome to part 4! Still with me? These techniques are on how to lead ethically, and how to train new leaders.
What 3rd party resources are there about running safe organisations? There is a lot of things coming out of activist communities, some of which I love and some I think is very questionable. Schools, nursing, Guides/Scouts, other faiths will also have things you can work from.
Failure Mode: “I’m actually related to Anne de Chatraine who was burnt in 1406 and learnt my craft from my grandmother, who is half Scottish half Native American, and have been anointed by the inner masters who have divulged great secrets to me. This is the source of my power and wisdom, and from them I learnt this circle-casting charm.”
Success mode: “Here is how we cast circles”.
Is there a specific, legitimate reason to tell people about your cool stuff? Usually, the answer will be no; the main outcome of sharing is establishing why you’re better than somebody else. It speaks of immaturity, & a desire for others to build you up. The sort of person who is privately confident in their power and does not need it validated is the sort of well-balanced and grounded person who ought to run magical groups.
At all other times, it is important “to keep Silent”. It’s useful to have things which make us feel important and special, but your witch grandma is not relevant to anyone else.
Occasionally, the answer is yes: “I’m actually the professor of anglo saxon at Christ’s College Oxford, and...”. Say a certain spirit keeps turning up uninvited in groupwork, and it’s a spirit you have history with – it’s then relevant and useful to share. But don’t put it on the business card.
“I’m part of [Big Name Pagan]’s original initiatory tradition” is a complicated middle ground. On the one hand, that’s a pretty important USP for a coven and part of its identity. At the same time, it discourages people from judging a group by the quality of work we are doing now. No authenticity, heritage or divine guidance saves a shitty ritual; and the lack of those things do not diminish an exceptional one.
As mentioned above. Leadership is a skill which has little or nothing to do with one’s knowledge of lore, sacred connection or magical skill.
Books on business, management, leadership, delegating, filing taxes, running a Scout Troop, providing pastoral care. I’d also see it as vital to read books written by authors from larger faiths on the skills/challenges/qualities of being clergy. There might also be courses or formal learning opportunities.
Anyway, my point is that Trump has needs – as we all do – deep-rooted survival needs and the intense emotions attached to them. He has tried to meet them by becoming the most powerful man in the world so everybody loves him and does what he says. This was a spectacular miscalculation – it’s made things worse for him, and goodness knows it’s a disaster for the rest of the planet. As they say, “broken people break people”.
So check out my earlier comments about wanting to lead a coven specifically to insulate me from harm. I think it’s a very similar thought process to Donald thinking he wants to be president. We’ve both got an unmet need about safety/authority/stability/love, and have decided “more power” is the solution.
In the previous post, I wrote:
Let’s use an example: “Only an Adept may channel the spirit of the Mighty One and incarnate him in the circle”. There are some legitimate reasons for a rule like this:
It’s human nature to enjoy having a special title and an important hat and whatnot. But it’s a flag that one has to be cautious going forward, and very self-aware.
It’s especially important to be clear and really drill down to what specific need is being triggered.
I don’t think this kind of fantasy necessarily disqualifies someone from leadership, because it’s so natural and tempting (or is that just me…?). But it’s vital to be aware of it, and the specific needs a fantasy is meeting, and finding other ways to meet that need which don’t hurt or use others.
And yeah. In some cases, it really does disqualify you.
Great leaders aren't free from flaws - they are aware of them, and capable of handling them.
Following on from the previous point:
In an ideal world, clergy would have the maturity and skill to identify when they’re not behaving appropriately, or are wrong for the post full stop. In practice, we’re all fallible.
It's important to be real with someone - but I don't think it's appropriate or reassuring to lay it all out with the entire coven. That can quickly turn into a requirement for emotional labour, or another way of demanding members meet your needs. "I think I want to lead a coven because my family hate me and I need a surrogate to feel whole- what do you think guys?" puts the onus on members.
You could combat this lining up a buddy – formally or informally – to talk through this kind of stuff with, to get a second perspective. They could be in or out of the coven. They could be a therapist or counseller, or fellow-clergy/co-leader, or another member of the coven who's up for this kind of work. Taking Alex’s challenge to think about ways hierarchy can be good or useful: this is the kind of role a mentor or elder could fill.
I think about the role my partner plays in my life - we were friends for 10 years before we started dating. At times, I forget this, and then am surprised by how well he handles my bullshit. Like many people with a Personality Disorder - I am difficult. I think a lot about internet bros describing their exes as "she was so needy!" or "she was such a crazy bitch!", in part because they are often followed up by "I definitely think she was borderline, because she was evil and it makes me feel clever to use official-sounding words". I think about how "she was needy!" and "she was so cold!" might be rephrased more kindly as "we had very different boundaries and needs in relationships". PDs are very treatable, and in the right environment, no barrier at all to happy workplaces, relationships or covens. My partner is that right environment (Imagine people getting angry at their pet ferret because they don't behave like a dog; vs someone who expects their ferret to behave like a ferret, and has the skills and experience to understand its behavior and make good choices.)
I'd want him in my coven, because he would spot and check my shit. He has insight. He's the person I could confess my fucked up family-substitute fantasies to, he's the person who knows what I look like when I'm burnt out or being irrational.
This article series started with a prompt "what would you do to combat these problems". Hence, my ideas are centered around ways I envisage fucking up, or I've observed other people doing so, and around the structure of coven I imagine running. So any potential-clergy member ought to do something similar, so it's relevant to their personal context. Remember, the suggested techniques are far less important than the problem they seek to solve, or the reasoning for using them.
I also think the process of thinking it through has been super helpful to me. I think I'm a better potential-coven-leader for this exercise, but it's also flagged up a lot of personal problems I'd have to overcome before actually doing it. In a sense, it's provided the kind of scrutiny I am envious of potential Christian clergy having from their bishop/abbess/cardinal/head monk. What's a head monk called?
I'd be dead chuffed if my ideas were used by groups or leaders-in-training, but they're no substitute for thinking it through yourself.
Religious figures are invested with oh so much unwarranted wisdom - they're seen as kinda special, even though they're just blokes in weird hats. They also typically take on pastoral roles - counselling through grief, bereavement, death and illness, offering advice on life changes and stages. Moments where this unearned power can be put to good, or evil uses, or simply be inadequate to the task of sorting out human complexity.
I wouldn't ever want to strip this out of clergy work. It's something I think I'd be good at, part of the "draw" for me. I remember fondly the C of E priest at my university making time to speak with me during a period of deep depression. I wasn't a Christian - I just liked hanging out in the Chaplaincy, it was quiet and spiritual and had neat beanbags. He let me talk for a bit. It helped.
That said, I think it's important to set boundaries upfront, and take this duty very seriously:
I was a teacher. I had to do so much of this stuff, and regret none of it. I get testy about amateurs on my patch. These are hardcore responsibilities - difficult, heavy, requiring skill & ongoing familiarity with best practice and the law. They deserve a level of serious, sober consideration.
Include abuse training
Have similar sessions about abuse when training clergy.
What 3rd party resources are there about running safe organisations? There is a lot of things coming out of activist communities, some of which I love and some I think is very questionable. Schools, nursing, Guides/Scouts, other faiths will also have things you can work from.
Repeat these sessions periodically – for example, leaders doing reflective work on whether they are doing OK, leadership councils reflecting on the group’s ethos, whether it feels like a safe and mutual space.
Keep Your Cool Shit To Yourself
Failure Mode: “I’m actually related to Anne de Chatraine who was burnt in 1406 and learnt my craft from my grandmother, who is half Scottish half Native American, and have been anointed by the inner masters who have divulged great secrets to me. This is the source of my power and wisdom, and from them I learnt this circle-casting charm.”
Success mode: “Here is how we cast circles”.
Is there a specific, legitimate reason to tell people about your cool stuff? Usually, the answer will be no; the main outcome of sharing is establishing why you’re better than somebody else. It speaks of immaturity, & a desire for others to build you up. The sort of person who is privately confident in their power and does not need it validated is the sort of well-balanced and grounded person who ought to run magical groups.
At all other times, it is important “to keep Silent”. It’s useful to have things which make us feel important and special, but your witch grandma is not relevant to anyone else.
Occasionally, the answer is yes: “I’m actually the professor of anglo saxon at Christ’s College Oxford, and...”. Say a certain spirit keeps turning up uninvited in groupwork, and it’s a spirit you have history with – it’s then relevant and useful to share. But don’t put it on the business card.
“I’m part of [Big Name Pagan]’s original initiatory tradition” is a complicated middle ground. On the one hand, that’s a pretty important USP for a coven and part of its identity. At the same time, it discourages people from judging a group by the quality of work we are doing now. No authenticity, heritage or divine guidance saves a shitty ritual; and the lack of those things do not diminish an exceptional one.
Don’t only read Pagan books
As mentioned above. Leadership is a skill which has little or nothing to do with one’s knowledge of lore, sacred connection or magical skill.
Books on business, management, leadership, delegating, filing taxes, running a Scout Troop, providing pastoral care. I’d also see it as vital to read books written by authors from larger faiths on the skills/challenges/qualities of being clergy. There might also be courses or formal learning opportunities.
See it as a bigger job than just “Being Master of Ceremonies in the circle”, and cultivate a level of professionalism.
Fit your Own Lifebelt before helping others
“A.K.A. If you cant love yourself how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else”
I feel a lot of pity for Donald Trump. Ever since people have started weaponising his mental health and accusing him of having a Personality Disorder, I’ve found him acutely relatable – because I have a Personality Disorder too. I want to give his lost inner child a really big hug and to take care of him, all these weirdly maternal feelings – because he is clearly so very hurt in so many ways.
Anyway, my point is that Trump has needs – as we all do – deep-rooted survival needs and the intense emotions attached to them. He has tried to meet them by becoming the most powerful man in the world so everybody loves him and does what he says. This was a spectacular miscalculation – it’s made things worse for him, and goodness knows it’s a disaster for the rest of the planet. As they say, “broken people break people”.
Trump is a level of damaged that, hopefully, most people will never meet in real life. But I think he’s an important parable about trying to get your needs met in appropriate ways, which do not harm you or other people. I try to have hope about people’s capacity for change; and while it likely won’t happen at the age of 79, I do believe a younger Trump might have found other ways to meet those emotional needs which would have been happier for everyone.
--
OK, why is this relevant for coven leadership?
So check out my earlier comments about wanting to lead a coven specifically to insulate me from harm. I think it’s a very similar thought process to Donald thinking he wants to be president. We’ve both got an unmet need about safety/authority/stability/love, and have decided “more power” is the solution.
In the previous post, I wrote:
The process of writing a constitution encourages one to reflect on the purpose behind [degrees/oaths/titles/etc].
1. Is this a proportionate means of meeting a legitimate aim?
2. Or is it exclusively to make me feel a bit special & important?
Let’s use an example: “Only an Adept may channel the spirit of the Mighty One and incarnate him in the circle”. There are some legitimate reasons for a rule like this:
- perhaps channeling is dangerous or difficult
- perhaps the Mighty One is picky and you need to do certain things before he will favour you
- perhaps it’s more about experience in leading ritual – about making this experience real and terrifying and awe-inspiring for congregants, for which you need practice
It’s human nature to enjoy having a special title and an important hat and whatnot. But it’s a flag that one has to be cautious going forward, and very self-aware.
It’s especially important to be clear and really drill down to what specific need is being triggered.
- If the fantasy is “I have this vision of myself leading an awesome ritual”, then you’re thinking of members as quasi-props and important checks would be letting members design and lead ritual, learning what their goals are and helping to facilitate them.
- If it’s “I really want a bunch of people looking up to me for wisdom”, the focus has to be on finding other ways to self-validate and handle insecurity without needing it from others.
- If it’s “I like the idea of establishing something lasting and permanent”, you’re trying to get a stability need met, a sense of permanence – are there other areas of your life to meet that need? Are you happy in your job? Is your home secure? Are you OK for money? What's happening in your family and relationships? Is this an older fear which has outlived its use, which you can practice letting go of?
I don’t think this kind of fantasy necessarily disqualifies someone from leadership, because it’s so natural and tempting (or is that just me…?). But it’s vital to be aware of it, and the specific needs a fantasy is meeting, and finding other ways to meet that need which don’t hurt or use others.
And yeah. In some cases, it really does disqualify you.
Great leaders aren't free from flaws - they are aware of them, and capable of handling them.
Have A Buddy Or Mentor
Following on from the previous point:
In an ideal world, clergy would have the maturity and skill to identify when they’re not behaving appropriately, or are wrong for the post full stop. In practice, we’re all fallible.
It's important to be real with someone - but I don't think it's appropriate or reassuring to lay it all out with the entire coven. That can quickly turn into a requirement for emotional labour, or another way of demanding members meet your needs. "I think I want to lead a coven because my family hate me and I need a surrogate to feel whole- what do you think guys?" puts the onus on members.
You could combat this lining up a buddy – formally or informally – to talk through this kind of stuff with, to get a second perspective. They could be in or out of the coven. They could be a therapist or counseller, or fellow-clergy/co-leader, or another member of the coven who's up for this kind of work. Taking Alex’s challenge to think about ways hierarchy can be good or useful: this is the kind of role a mentor or elder could fill.
I think about the role my partner plays in my life - we were friends for 10 years before we started dating. At times, I forget this, and then am surprised by how well he handles my bullshit. Like many people with a Personality Disorder - I am difficult. I think a lot about internet bros describing their exes as "she was so needy!" or "she was such a crazy bitch!", in part because they are often followed up by "I definitely think she was borderline, because she was evil and it makes me feel clever to use official-sounding words". I think about how "she was needy!" and "she was so cold!" might be rephrased more kindly as "we had very different boundaries and needs in relationships". PDs are very treatable, and in the right environment, no barrier at all to happy workplaces, relationships or covens. My partner is that right environment (Imagine people getting angry at their pet ferret because they don't behave like a dog; vs someone who expects their ferret to behave like a ferret, and has the skills and experience to understand its behavior and make good choices.)
I'd want him in my coven, because he would spot and check my shit. He has insight. He's the person I could confess my fucked up family-substitute fantasies to, he's the person who knows what I look like when I'm burnt out or being irrational.
You have to write a document like this for yourself
This article series started with a prompt "what would you do to combat these problems". Hence, my ideas are centered around ways I envisage fucking up, or I've observed other people doing so, and around the structure of coven I imagine running. So any potential-clergy member ought to do something similar, so it's relevant to their personal context. Remember, the suggested techniques are far less important than the problem they seek to solve, or the reasoning for using them.
I also think the process of thinking it through has been super helpful to me. I think I'm a better potential-coven-leader for this exercise, but it's also flagged up a lot of personal problems I'd have to overcome before actually doing it. In a sense, it's provided the kind of scrutiny I am envious of potential Christian clergy having from their bishop/abbess/cardinal/head monk. What's a head monk called?
I'd be dead chuffed if my ideas were used by groups or leaders-in-training, but they're no substitute for thinking it through yourself.
Set appropriate boundaries, esp around pastoral work
Religious figures are invested with oh so much unwarranted wisdom - they're seen as kinda special, even though they're just blokes in weird hats. They also typically take on pastoral roles - counselling through grief, bereavement, death and illness, offering advice on life changes and stages. Moments where this unearned power can be put to good, or evil uses, or simply be inadequate to the task of sorting out human complexity.
I wouldn't ever want to strip this out of clergy work. It's something I think I'd be good at, part of the "draw" for me. I remember fondly the C of E priest at my university making time to speak with me during a period of deep depression. I wasn't a Christian - I just liked hanging out in the Chaplaincy, it was quiet and spiritual and had neat beanbags. He let me talk for a bit. It helped.
That said, I think it's important to set boundaries upfront, and take this duty very seriously:
- If you have a "We do this, we don't do this" statement in the constitution or a clergy "job description", lay out the boundaries of appropriate pastoral work
- This can include "we do not do this. It is not appropriate" - and I think this is perhaps the most mature choice.
- If you want to counsel, get a counselling degree. Or a certificate. Or do some training. Or at the very least, read a book.
- Be honest about your limitations: "I don't feel able to support you, because I don't have the skills to do a good job"
- Have links to other organisations - this might be a nice "clergy pastoral training exercise" - "...however, in our local community we have X, Y, Z resources. Would you like me to help you book an appointment?"
- Be professional - set each pastoral challenge you might face as a study project. Amass resources, from both pagan and non-pagan sources. Study. Do exercises. Reflect. When you practice, make notes.
- CONFIDENTIALITY, BITCHES. In bigger organisations, there are srs requirements for handling sensitive personal data. Another important study-project would be to learn about this, and write it into the constitution.
- There may be legal aspects to be aware of. You're opening yourself up to liability and serious accusations. Are you ready for that? Do you know the law? Do you need to take out insurance, for example, or be a mandated reporter, or hold specific qualifications?
- What if a member tells you they are suicidal? What if a member is underage pregnant and asks for help getting an abortion? What if a member discloses they are being abused at home? What are your legal requirements? Are you prepared? Are you actually prepared? Again, clergy training with a pastoral element ought to include this kind of "case study, what would you do?" exercise.
- How often do you update these skills?
I was a teacher. I had to do so much of this stuff, and regret none of it. I get testy about amateurs on my patch. These are hardcore responsibilities - difficult, heavy, requiring skill & ongoing familiarity with best practice and the law. They deserve a level of serious, sober consideration.
