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31 October 2019 19:21![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
haptalaonMy new coven isn't going to work out; I guess that's ok and like, part of the process of looking.
This is the third Sabbat in a row that I've gone to Sacred Site By the Sea, having been vaguely told we're meeting there at some sort of time, and spending like...a whole day hanging around hoping they'll answer a text or give me a clear clock-precice time and a GPS grid reference of a place. After Lammas, I told my husband I really didn't want to do this again. At Mabon, I spent much of the day very, very grumpy. This time, I was kinda prepared and so not really as frustrated because if you have no expectations you won't be disappointed.
But it's frustrating because, these are my sacred days and I want to spend them in ritual and with the gods. Everything leading up to the ritual is the ritual: dressing, designing, waiting, travelling there, beginning to perform the steps of ritual in your mind. So when that lead up process is just...uncertainty as to what the ritual will contain, what images and moods you ought to be sinking into, which images you should begin working with; and then also when the lead up process is frustration and a sinking expectation that you're going to get stood up again...
Part of the problem is the formality of the coven. There's two kinda models of what a coven could be, and ours is a bunch of friends who hang out and do ritual together and then go to the pub. So participating in it feels like gatecrashing a party every time. Because our friend is used to his coven being a hang out space with his mates, it's not incongruous for him to invite us in: more mates! But for us, we don't know anyone - and no one seems much inclined to introduce us to anyone, or include is in conversations about...where and when we are meeting (much less what we are doing when we get there). So even when we find the coven, it just feels like being at a party no one really invited you to. And we get instructions like "if we are late we are probably at Sophie's house" - forgetting that we don't really know Sophie, and don't feel able to invite ourselves into her home .
Part of the problem is that the coven itself is at a kinda difficult moment in its life, and doesn't seem ready for new people. Everyone seems very, very self interested and inward looking: which is fair enough. Some of these people have known one another for decades, so a power struggle between friends is a Big Deal. All anyone wants to talk about is drama between people I've not met. It's not a good look, and it's not something I can participate in.
(Part of the problem is, we are there as Friends Of Tim. I'm not sure what side of the schism Tim is on, but by coming into that environment as Friends Of Tim we have been unavoidably enlisted on that side. So maybe all this stuff IS happening, but Tim isn't getting to hear about it either? And in any case, I suspect Tim's idea of us joining is lowkey something about bolstering his support within the group)
Part of rhe problem is - bevause rhe coven is more of a gang of old friends than a formal structure, and because those friends are all fighting, I am there as Friend Of Tim rather than Part of The Coven. And I can't really see any pathway, entry, Head of Training, enrolment, initiation, or anything which would be like a...formal entry to being part of the group, instead of someone hanging around. Especially as a trans person, this is super freakin stressful: trying to come out to this nebulous group of 25 - 50 people, one at a time - knowing that some of them probably don't want to circle with you. If there was a clear leadership, I could go to that person and people, talk to them and then have them help me set the tone (they could confirm whether or not I'm welcome, then take the lead on affirming my gender)
After three Sabbats, I still haven't been introduced to anyone who isn't our original friend; no one has voluntarily come over and taken an interest in who I am and why I'm there; I haven't managed to get basic information out of anyone, like, what (if any) training structure do you have;and I don't feel able to pin anyone down and say how annoyed I am about being stood up, and that I really need people to clarify an actual meeting time and place.
So - no.
My husband is a bit more upset than me, I think. After Lammas, I didn't want to bother. For various reasons, he feels a connection. And I guess I'm a little put out as well -because I want to believe in *joining* existing things rather than starting new ones, participating in what community there is instead of complaining that it won't come to you in the way you want it to.
But fundamentally, this isn't a group of people I like spending time with. It's awkward and uncomfortable - they're really hard to talk to as individuals, very keen to talk at you abour themselves and very difficult to draw into the kind of coversation which builds a relationship. As a group, it's impossible to work out where we fit in & if we are even welcome there. And...They can't give me a firm time and place for meeting, which is the deal breaker. I can endure a social situation which is just socially awkward, because we are entering someone else's social space and of course that takes time. But im not spending Yule bimbling about Sacred Site By The Sea hoping to bump into someone.
This is the third Sabbat in a row that I've gone to Sacred Site By the Sea, having been vaguely told we're meeting there at some sort of time, and spending like...a whole day hanging around hoping they'll answer a text or give me a clear clock-precice time and a GPS grid reference of a place. After Lammas, I told my husband I really didn't want to do this again. At Mabon, I spent much of the day very, very grumpy. This time, I was kinda prepared and so not really as frustrated because if you have no expectations you won't be disappointed.
But it's frustrating because, these are my sacred days and I want to spend them in ritual and with the gods. Everything leading up to the ritual is the ritual: dressing, designing, waiting, travelling there, beginning to perform the steps of ritual in your mind. So when that lead up process is just...uncertainty as to what the ritual will contain, what images and moods you ought to be sinking into, which images you should begin working with; and then also when the lead up process is frustration and a sinking expectation that you're going to get stood up again...
Part of the problem is the formality of the coven. There's two kinda models of what a coven could be, and ours is a bunch of friends who hang out and do ritual together and then go to the pub. So participating in it feels like gatecrashing a party every time. Because our friend is used to his coven being a hang out space with his mates, it's not incongruous for him to invite us in: more mates! But for us, we don't know anyone - and no one seems much inclined to introduce us to anyone, or include is in conversations about...where and when we are meeting (much less what we are doing when we get there). So even when we find the coven, it just feels like being at a party no one really invited you to. And we get instructions like "if we are late we are probably at Sophie's house" - forgetting that we don't really know Sophie, and don't feel able to invite ourselves into her home .
Part of the problem is that the coven itself is at a kinda difficult moment in its life, and doesn't seem ready for new people. Everyone seems very, very self interested and inward looking: which is fair enough. Some of these people have known one another for decades, so a power struggle between friends is a Big Deal. All anyone wants to talk about is drama between people I've not met. It's not a good look, and it's not something I can participate in.
(Part of the problem is, we are there as Friends Of Tim. I'm not sure what side of the schism Tim is on, but by coming into that environment as Friends Of Tim we have been unavoidably enlisted on that side. So maybe all this stuff IS happening, but Tim isn't getting to hear about it either? And in any case, I suspect Tim's idea of us joining is lowkey something about bolstering his support within the group)
Part of rhe problem is - bevause rhe coven is more of a gang of old friends than a formal structure, and because those friends are all fighting, I am there as Friend Of Tim rather than Part of The Coven. And I can't really see any pathway, entry, Head of Training, enrolment, initiation, or anything which would be like a...formal entry to being part of the group, instead of someone hanging around. Especially as a trans person, this is super freakin stressful: trying to come out to this nebulous group of 25 - 50 people, one at a time - knowing that some of them probably don't want to circle with you. If there was a clear leadership, I could go to that person and people, talk to them and then have them help me set the tone (they could confirm whether or not I'm welcome, then take the lead on affirming my gender)
After three Sabbats, I still haven't been introduced to anyone who isn't our original friend; no one has voluntarily come over and taken an interest in who I am and why I'm there; I haven't managed to get basic information out of anyone, like, what (if any) training structure do you have;and I don't feel able to pin anyone down and say how annoyed I am about being stood up, and that I really need people to clarify an actual meeting time and place.
So - no.
My husband is a bit more upset than me, I think. After Lammas, I didn't want to bother. For various reasons, he feels a connection. And I guess I'm a little put out as well -because I want to believe in *joining* existing things rather than starting new ones, participating in what community there is instead of complaining that it won't come to you in the way you want it to.
But fundamentally, this isn't a group of people I like spending time with. It's awkward and uncomfortable - they're really hard to talk to as individuals, very keen to talk at you abour themselves and very difficult to draw into the kind of coversation which builds a relationship. As a group, it's impossible to work out where we fit in & if we are even welcome there. And...They can't give me a firm time and place for meeting, which is the deal breaker. I can endure a social situation which is just socially awkward, because we are entering someone else's social space and of course that takes time. But im not spending Yule bimbling about Sacred Site By The Sea hoping to bump into someone.
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Date: 31 October 2019 21:00 (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 1 November 2019 00:39 (UTC)(I say, regularly, that information is the number one way people can improve accessibility - basic stuff like 'where, when, one sentence summary of what to expect to happen' goes a long way.)
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