(no subject)
26 April 2018 11:35![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
haptalaonMy body has erupted in pain.
First I couldn't play the piano - I was playing with too much tension, but I'm built from trauma, I do *everything* with too much tension. Then my chest went. And my shoulders, my back, my arms. Now I can't lift things; can barely type.
I'm trying to recover and rest, but how? I need to stop weightlifting and binding; stop doing things with my hands; stop working, writing, playing music, picking anything up; and most importantly, to relax.
I'm trying to pay close attention to my body and its signals, and be present in it - never mind that this itself is a source of tension; and I'm trying to manage this experience without the outlet of making things or writing or doing anything at all. And this coming on the heels of a decade of mental health, as if I made a bad deal with a fairy, who has granted me back my mind at long last - only to take away my physical health in return. It's cruel, and what reserves of acceptance I had are so drained from years of coming to terms with my mental ills there's little left for this.
First I couldn't play the piano - I was playing with too much tension, but I'm built from trauma, I do *everything* with too much tension. Then my chest went. And my shoulders, my back, my arms. Now I can't lift things; can barely type.
I'm trying to recover and rest, but how? I need to stop weightlifting and binding; stop doing things with my hands; stop working, writing, playing music, picking anything up; and most importantly, to relax.
I'm trying to pay close attention to my body and its signals, and be present in it - never mind that this itself is a source of tension; and I'm trying to manage this experience without the outlet of making things or writing or doing anything at all. And this coming on the heels of a decade of mental health, as if I made a bad deal with a fairy, who has granted me back my mind at long last - only to take away my physical health in return. It's cruel, and what reserves of acceptance I had are so drained from years of coming to terms with my mental ills there's little left for this.
