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8 November 2020 21:25the mood right now is a sort of terrible spiritual panic, coming in rollocking waves of despair.
....how to maintan a spirituality where offline-ness is so important, when I'm having to spend so much time online to access music, writings and things to watch for it...
...how to build a spiritual community when I'm so
misanthropic/paranoiac around other people, when I am (genuinely, in many ways) a Difficult person to be around…
...how to respond to a call to Spread The Word in a way that doesn't get attached to personal aggrandisement or ambition or or self-promotion and marketing and branding, any of the emotions attached to personal success that come along with that...
...how to maintain a spirituality of any kind from a place of such deep personal unworthiness and self-hate…
...how to maintain a spirituality of any kind while being hammered by current events, as all of us are, when really that's a time that spiritual work should be increased...
...how to complete the size of task I have set for myself in writing up and creating something complete and comprehensive and fit for others to view; but balancing it against a sense of the spiritual that needs to have gaps to stay alive, not trapping it in amber prematurely, not killing it with completeness…
...how to balance the ways that writing something for other people can be a motivating emotion, a drive to explain things more fully and work harder at it, and even the imagined people you are writing for and how having those imagined students asking questions helps shoot off new directions and possibilities; against the ways that writing for other people brings on insecurities and unworthiness, and judgements and envy, and a deep sense of failure…
...how to be a leader and a persuader and a movement-builder, balanced against a deep-rooted distaste for hierarchy and a sickly feeling of what cult behaviour looks like and what spiritual abuse looks like, and whether there even is a path to do the former without treading too close to the latter...
...and the roar of the Landweird in my head, and every part of it, and this spinning sensation whenever I comprehend its size…
Today, I went for a walk for the first time in many months. And I did some painting for an art card. It is not enough; but it is what I can do today. And tomorrow, I shall begin on something else that must be done.
....how to maintan a spirituality where offline-ness is so important, when I'm having to spend so much time online to access music, writings and things to watch for it...
...how to build a spiritual community when I'm so
misanthropic/paranoiac around other people, when I am (genuinely, in many ways) a Difficult person to be around…
...how to respond to a call to Spread The Word in a way that doesn't get attached to personal aggrandisement or ambition or or self-promotion and marketing and branding, any of the emotions attached to personal success that come along with that...
...how to maintain a spirituality of any kind from a place of such deep personal unworthiness and self-hate…
...how to maintain a spirituality of any kind while being hammered by current events, as all of us are, when really that's a time that spiritual work should be increased...
...how to complete the size of task I have set for myself in writing up and creating something complete and comprehensive and fit for others to view; but balancing it against a sense of the spiritual that needs to have gaps to stay alive, not trapping it in amber prematurely, not killing it with completeness…
...how to balance the ways that writing something for other people can be a motivating emotion, a drive to explain things more fully and work harder at it, and even the imagined people you are writing for and how having those imagined students asking questions helps shoot off new directions and possibilities; against the ways that writing for other people brings on insecurities and unworthiness, and judgements and envy, and a deep sense of failure…
...how to be a leader and a persuader and a movement-builder, balanced against a deep-rooted distaste for hierarchy and a sickly feeling of what cult behaviour looks like and what spiritual abuse looks like, and whether there even is a path to do the former without treading too close to the latter...
...and the roar of the Landweird in my head, and every part of it, and this spinning sensation whenever I comprehend its size…
Today, I went for a walk for the first time in many months. And I did some painting for an art card. It is not enough; but it is what I can do today. And tomorrow, I shall begin on something else that must be done.
