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[haptalaon]

 I've always thought of ancestor work as "ugh, how can you even when your associations with family are so unhappy." Now, however, I'm thinking about it as a kind of stand in.

Ancestor work can provide the kind of unconditional love, support, defence and guiding in you that mortal families often can't. A long line stretching back, and they're all invested and walking with you? That's bitchin, and it's humbling and difficult to begin ancestor work knowing you'll never have that kind of relationship with your family in the flesh.

I see people with this question quite a lot; but I'm cautiously dipping my toe in  and finding it's ok.

Comments

[ilthit]

I think I'd feel more comfortable with ancestor work if I could send an anonymous note up like, hey, anyone up there willing to talk to me, without accidentally reaching out to my grandmother and deeply disappointing her by being a queer Pagan.

[haptalaon]

I definitely found thst off putting for a long time.

What's working for me now is not making reference to specific dead family members, but imagining them a bit like a group soul. A bit like you might imagine the spirit of England or the City of London or any other spirit of place. I have one for my father's line, and another for my mother's - and they're based on things like the landscape where they come from, the heritage of the area, the traditional industries, exactly like I would get in touch with a landwight.

I additionally include non-related ancestors. This includes witch elders, and another includes my queer ancestors - as a sort of nebulous group, my predecessors who I wish to remember and honour and learn from. They are my family and heritage. Yu can come up with other concepts like this; Im a librarian, I've never tried including my Librarian Ancestors, but I'm sure this would work ie.

The final thing is, I use this as a way to connect to something kind within myself. I imagine the ancestors who gave something up so that I might exist as super invested in my continuation and wellbeing. So it's a way to imagine myself a carriage of spirits who care, basically, and who want me to succeed. Even if you're just imaging a white light or a guardian angel, it can be a very self loving, nurturing practice.

It also depends what you're doing. If you're doing a spell, then that might feel odd. But if you were at a funeral, and you lit a candle and closed your eyes to remember a me one. Or brought flowers to a grave stone. Or attended Trans Day of Rememberance. Or went to a heritage festival. Those are all kinds of ancestor work too - they are remembering, honouring, and making space in your life for the dead. It's all about how you do it. None of those activities would be seen as pagan. But keeping an ancestor altar is not really much different than keeping a side table of family photos, and remembering to dust it.it's all about framing.

[ilthit]

When I think of my ancestors as a group, and I can do that, much as you described, they don't feel kind. I feel a weight of judgment. This is probably my own psychology, and actually doing this kind of work might lift off some of that weight, but it also makes me not want to do it. It's not just my grandmother. I don't want to show all of my ancestors how little I've done with my life. I have a beautiful son to show off, but I'd rather keep him all to myself.

I also don't have a guardian angel as such. I have my shadowy lady, who mostly tells me to buck up and get on with things, and I'm grateful for her, but she really doesn't align with "guardian angel". She's a guide. Self-love practice for me comes from my Stellar work, to use your term, connecting to the divine in sitting meditation or just while out staring at sunlight on grass like a doofus.

At my grandparents' grave, I think about them as I knew them and send them good thoughts through the Christian framework, to a point, because it's the most respectful way, I think, honouring the dead through their own religion. It feels like the right and honest thing to do.

I'm really struggling with knowing my identity, as I said before on the Pagan comm. I will always choose my son and my wife first in my loyalty, then my mother, and knowing that makes figuring out further identity seem trivial sometimes, but I wish I was less of a wet noodle and knowing who I am apart from parent and partner and daughter might give me a foundation. But yeah, that may never happen. Identity flows and changes, it's doing rather than being, and that's not much of a foundation.