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22 September 2019 07:17![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
haptalaonEquinox was an odd one. I joined a group gathered by the sea, and had a day of casual ritual interspersed with trips to the café for beer and ice cream, then more bimbling in various groups around the sands, then more ritual, more beer. It was a nice day, but also difficult. It's a lot of new faces all at once, and they're...very hard to talk to. I didn't have anyone ask who I was or anything about me all day, but I had a lot of people explain their magical insights to me, or overhear people doing this to others. We happened to be at the site by the beach at the same time as another group, who were doing a dragon weekend workshop; I was somewhat irritated by their presence because 80% of the dragon festival seemed to be stalls where you could buy things. Beautiful things, some of them exquisite, all from craftspeople in our community, and yet - can I please have one day of a year when no one is trying to sell me things. Anyway, every time I passed the tables in the cage with dragon people on it, each table had one person speaking at length about their magical insights too.
It's an odd dynamic. Both being sold things and being told things. I had one proper conversation all day, although I spoke with many people. Perhaps this will improve in time, as I know more people; or I will mind it less. I did try to listen a lot, and use my active listening skills - but that's not, perhaps, the approach one should bring to ones friends - it's a slightly mechanical skillset I have from work and trauma, making other people feel comfortable and heard, not genuine connection but a convincing facimile of it. And yet, I'm not sure how else to respond when someone begin explaining their experirence with dragon souls at length, besides politely listening. It's not a dynamic which seems to demand much of me in terms of responses or engagement besides listening and tacitly agreeing, and like..I suppose I can provide that, I'm very good at humouring men of a certain age and making them feel like the center of the world (as if they need much encouragement).
But like long term, I kinda want more from community and my engagement with people in it than this. It's alienating, and I feel like all I can do is model the behaviour I'd like to see - rather than participate, which I'm fully capable of doing, with the explaining magical esoterica and personal insights at tired listeners. But modeling a behaviour of listening and presence and trying to ask questions is a form of work, I guess, it requires a "work like" mentality and skill set, and that's not quite home yet.
It's an odd dynamic. Both being sold things and being told things. I had one proper conversation all day, although I spoke with many people. Perhaps this will improve in time, as I know more people; or I will mind it less. I did try to listen a lot, and use my active listening skills - but that's not, perhaps, the approach one should bring to ones friends - it's a slightly mechanical skillset I have from work and trauma, making other people feel comfortable and heard, not genuine connection but a convincing facimile of it. And yet, I'm not sure how else to respond when someone begin explaining their experirence with dragon souls at length, besides politely listening. It's not a dynamic which seems to demand much of me in terms of responses or engagement besides listening and tacitly agreeing, and like..I suppose I can provide that, I'm very good at humouring men of a certain age and making them feel like the center of the world (as if they need much encouragement).
But like long term, I kinda want more from community and my engagement with people in it than this. It's alienating, and I feel like all I can do is model the behaviour I'd like to see - rather than participate, which I'm fully capable of doing, with the explaining magical esoterica and personal insights at tired listeners. But modeling a behaviour of listening and presence and trying to ask questions is a form of work, I guess, it requires a "work like" mentality and skill set, and that's not quite home yet.
