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haptalaonHey! It's a quarantine ask meme! This is a great idea.
1. Are you an Essential Worker?
No. I'm not even a worker; and what I've discovered is that it's incredible what an impact the social stigma of being a disabled and unemployed person has on my mental health. Since lockdown began, I've cheered the fuck up. It's pretty amazing. I'm not blind to how much of a tragedy this situation is for all sorts of people; and its not schaudenfreude, its not pleasure at others being in the same boat. It's just...being normal.
Suddenly, nobody works; we're all on benefits; no one leaves the house, or has much of a future, or can travel or spend time with people in person. As a disabled person, these facts about my life make me profoundly distressed most days: the sense of my failure, my purposelessness. But when this is how everybody is, the social stigma clears up overnight. I don't feel isolated or abject any more.
There's something profoundly peaceful here, too, the sense of everything just...coming to a halt. No cars. No boats. No work. No rush hour. No economy. Everything...stops. I can see how that would be distressing, if you were somebody who was In The World, and who felt things were Going Ok. But I've been rejected from the world, so there's a kind of pleasure at the new normal becoming something I can finally, finally participate in fully.
My man is on a zero hours contract, which has been put down to zero hours. They've not fired him - he can't claim benefits - or furloughed him - he can't get a government backed wage either. Just...no hours, and no pay for hours.
2. How many drinks have you had since the quarantine started?
None! Me and my man are tee total. But I'm craving mead and sweet wines something awful. I keep being tempted at the store, but the price puts me off.
I have found a recipe to make mead, however, and am contemplating it.
3. If you have kids... Are they driving you nuts?
No kids! The kids a few doors down are driving me nuts, with their "playing in the garden" noise - but I cannot get seriously angry at children for playing, especially with so little going on.
4. What new hobby have you taken up during this?
Watercolour painting! It's not entirely new, but I've got the kit back out and am working on my oracle deck. It's not for publication, just for personal use. I always thought Crowley was being pretentious when he called the Tarot a "library", but I'm making this first and foremost as a kind of organising system for different concepts within my path.
I'm not much good at it: I hate watercolour. I think I'm a better fit for gouache or acrylic, something stable which stays where you put it. But, it is helping my process a lot - to see what concepts I've got and what still needs exploration.
It's also helping me focus on gardening. One of the three practices of Fencraft is Disconnection, which includes "attempt to grow your own food and survive off it, while reflecting on how much trouble you would be in if you couldn't actually nip to the shops". So, this is definitely an opportunity to reflect on that.
5. How many grocery runs have you done?
Too many :/ We can't get any of our local mutual aid groups to help, so I'm doing the shop runs on behalf of the team. Three or four? My husband is high risk, so I'm going into the stores. It's an odd change of routine - he's my carer, under normal circumstances, but perhaps it's doing us both good for him to practice being looked after, and me practicing taking responsibility for things.
Headphones in! Our local stores seem to be fairly chill, which I have gratitude for. I'm so-so about people at the best of times, and struggle with the ambient hostility of strangers now. But, it's still the highlight of my week. In a situation where we have so little control, I'm finding the ability to choose my own cereal and browse for cheese extremely necessary.
6. What are you spending your stimulus check on?
Not American, so no stimulus check here.
7. Do you have any special occasions that you will miss during this quarantine?
Yes! The next big Extinction Rebellion shindig! Which was very politely postponed. What kind of rebellion can be cancelled due to unforseen circumstances, I ask you :p
8. Are you keeping your housework done?
So much. It's very grounding: the house has never been tidier, and again, I'm finding the housework is a reassuring part of my day. I've got a lot of moving boxes unpacked and put into the attic, and we are slowly working through.
This house feels more like a home. I've got my (creepy old) dolls house displayed in my living room now, and our collection of 1970s clay dragons unpacked around the house; and Ive put all my spritually meaningful books on a tiny bookcase near my bed, so I see them first when I wake up. My bedroom feels like *mine* now, not just a place I sleep.
9. What movie have you watched during this quarantine?
A lot. My husband is liking the fluffy stuff, so we've rewatched the Mummy and Jurassic Park and Evolution and lots of low-stress, cheerful things. I'm happier now I've joined a folk horror watchalong - we are watching obscure 1970s british rural fantasy/horror television every evening. It's nice. I've never done one of these community thing before, but it is giving me a good sense of connection.
9b. (added) What are your reading right now?
I'm not a big reader, but I just finished the Great God Pan by Arthur Machen - which is great. Lovecraft always wrote he wished he was as good as Machen, which should give you a idea of the sort of thing it is.
10. What are you streaming with?
Youtube, mostly. My ex-girlfriend shares her netflix account with me, her sister's family and her parents; usually, I use it during the day while people are at work. However, it seems anti-social to do so now, when there are so many people relying on it.
11. 9 months from now is there any chance of you having a baby?
I don't think so. The joke about quarantine babies seems misguided to me. Lockdown is tense and stressful, both in terms of individuals and also on a relationship. I can't say I have much of a horn, you know?
12. What's your go-to quarantine meal?
My man cooks these phenomenal stews. The secret is adding a cupful of lentils - which thicken it up - and some hard and soft cheese - which gives it a far richer taste and texture. He showed me how to make them last week. Then, you throw in fresh/frozen veg, water and spices (or packet soup), and wait. It lasts for days, and gets tastier and tastier.
13. Is this whole situation making you paranoid?
Not really. I feel uncommonly blase emotionally. I don't like going to the store.
I have been stripping whenever I come back into the house, leaving potential contaminated clothes and shoes at the door, and swapping into "indoor" clothes; mail isn't touched for three days; and everything we get from the store, we strip off outer packaging/dunk in soapy water. If it's fresh fruit and veg, we leave it in a "quarantine drawer" of the fridge for three days. To me, this isn't paranoid - it's just risk reduction. It's comparatively easy to do, for a high potential benefit.
14. Has your internet gone out on you during this time?
We didn't have any internet for the first two months of the crisis. We arranged to have it put in about a week before lockdown, but there was a fault in the line. My man went to pieces. We have one smartphone between us, and we budgeted for an "unlimited data" package just for this period. But there were a couple of weeks where we were getting news from the radio, and telephone calls.
Now the internet is here, things were OK for a week - then my man's computer died. So...he's not super happy. We're trying to get it replaced. I have a laptop, which we are now sharing; but it isn't ideal.
15 What month do you predict this all ends?
I don't know how to quantify "ends", but like, this is going to be with us for a long time. The novelty has absolutely worn off for me. But until there's a vaccine, or a serious contact tracing breakthrough, it's going to be this and variations on this.
16. First thing you're gonna do when you get off quarantine?
Honestly? Nothing. I don't think this is going to end the way that wars end. I would like to visit a stately home, and I want to go to Avebury; and I'd like to order new fabric, dolls house tools and DVDs without feeling like I'm endangering warehouse and postal workers.
But my husband is high risk. So I've got to weigh my desire to go to town and see whatever "post-quarantine" party explodes, with the ongoing risk to his health until there is a vaccine. The logic of social distancing is: any amount of interpersonal contact, increases your risk. So every chance to go out which I can turn down, keeps him safer.
I'm fortunate, in a sense, because I'm disabled and I've already re-evaluated my priorities about what a good life looks like. It isn't easy or comfortable, I do have regrets - but I've spent years, now, working on acceptance, and adopting a new value system which makes this enough. I look out of the window at these majestic mountains, and imagine myself as a village witch who potters around up and down the hills, as cunning folk have done for centuries before me, and I find that good. Perhaps the ongoing situation will help me recommit to this goal, without craving the worldly. I've already accepted that my dream of going back to study is dead, and that's been like a great lifted burden.
17. Where do you wish you were right now?
At the {Redacted} hotel. It's a big, weird, spooky building we sometimes drive past. I'm longing to wander around inside.
18. What free-from-quarantine activity are you missing the most?
I'm not sure. This is pretty close to my everyday life. I want to visit Avebury, and I miss my in-laws. I'm missing going out to places and just walking around.
We were going to go on a "1970s wyrd" driving tour of Britain this summer, and I'm planning for that. For example, we live quite close to the village from the Great God Pan - but too far to get to safely.
What about: what quarantine activity are you enjoying the most? Every other day, I drag my husband into the hills to walk. He is a ranger, with forest stars in his eyes and hair, and usually too stressed to go outdoors. But we have nothing but time, now. So, every day, we walk. And this is good.
19. Have you run out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer?
No! I'm disabled, so, I always shop like I won't leave the house for months - because I frequently do. I've got a hand sanitiser stash in my "supplies for protests". If anything, the problem is that there are rules against "stockpiling" and who can get deliveries which disrupt my everyday routines/coping strategies around shopping.
I don't want to be antisocial, but now is one heck of a time to have to relearn how to shop. I always buy ten of everything, and then wait until it runs out.
20. Do you have enough food to last a month?
The food situation is really wigging me out. Yes, I have enough; but I'm a prepper, and I couldn't get my husband to take getting a stockpile seriously in January. Now, there's shortages - particularly flour. It's the lack of fresh bread which keeps sending us to the grocery shop. But again, having mentioned control and things you can do to provide an illusion of control, I think my stock cupboard is one of those things - like, if only we had more I would feel OK (but there will never be enough)
1. Are you an Essential Worker?
No. I'm not even a worker; and what I've discovered is that it's incredible what an impact the social stigma of being a disabled and unemployed person has on my mental health. Since lockdown began, I've cheered the fuck up. It's pretty amazing. I'm not blind to how much of a tragedy this situation is for all sorts of people; and its not schaudenfreude, its not pleasure at others being in the same boat. It's just...being normal.
Suddenly, nobody works; we're all on benefits; no one leaves the house, or has much of a future, or can travel or spend time with people in person. As a disabled person, these facts about my life make me profoundly distressed most days: the sense of my failure, my purposelessness. But when this is how everybody is, the social stigma clears up overnight. I don't feel isolated or abject any more.
There's something profoundly peaceful here, too, the sense of everything just...coming to a halt. No cars. No boats. No work. No rush hour. No economy. Everything...stops. I can see how that would be distressing, if you were somebody who was In The World, and who felt things were Going Ok. But I've been rejected from the world, so there's a kind of pleasure at the new normal becoming something I can finally, finally participate in fully.
My man is on a zero hours contract, which has been put down to zero hours. They've not fired him - he can't claim benefits - or furloughed him - he can't get a government backed wage either. Just...no hours, and no pay for hours.
2. How many drinks have you had since the quarantine started?
None! Me and my man are tee total. But I'm craving mead and sweet wines something awful. I keep being tempted at the store, but the price puts me off.
I have found a recipe to make mead, however, and am contemplating it.
3. If you have kids... Are they driving you nuts?
No kids! The kids a few doors down are driving me nuts, with their "playing in the garden" noise - but I cannot get seriously angry at children for playing, especially with so little going on.
4. What new hobby have you taken up during this?
Watercolour painting! It's not entirely new, but I've got the kit back out and am working on my oracle deck. It's not for publication, just for personal use. I always thought Crowley was being pretentious when he called the Tarot a "library", but I'm making this first and foremost as a kind of organising system for different concepts within my path.
I'm not much good at it: I hate watercolour. I think I'm a better fit for gouache or acrylic, something stable which stays where you put it. But, it is helping my process a lot - to see what concepts I've got and what still needs exploration.
It's also helping me focus on gardening. One of the three practices of Fencraft is Disconnection, which includes "attempt to grow your own food and survive off it, while reflecting on how much trouble you would be in if you couldn't actually nip to the shops". So, this is definitely an opportunity to reflect on that.
5. How many grocery runs have you done?
Too many :/ We can't get any of our local mutual aid groups to help, so I'm doing the shop runs on behalf of the team. Three or four? My husband is high risk, so I'm going into the stores. It's an odd change of routine - he's my carer, under normal circumstances, but perhaps it's doing us both good for him to practice being looked after, and me practicing taking responsibility for things.
Headphones in! Our local stores seem to be fairly chill, which I have gratitude for. I'm so-so about people at the best of times, and struggle with the ambient hostility of strangers now. But, it's still the highlight of my week. In a situation where we have so little control, I'm finding the ability to choose my own cereal and browse for cheese extremely necessary.
6. What are you spending your stimulus check on?
Not American, so no stimulus check here.
7. Do you have any special occasions that you will miss during this quarantine?
Yes! The next big Extinction Rebellion shindig! Which was very politely postponed. What kind of rebellion can be cancelled due to unforseen circumstances, I ask you :p
8. Are you keeping your housework done?
So much. It's very grounding: the house has never been tidier, and again, I'm finding the housework is a reassuring part of my day. I've got a lot of moving boxes unpacked and put into the attic, and we are slowly working through.
This house feels more like a home. I've got my (creepy old) dolls house displayed in my living room now, and our collection of 1970s clay dragons unpacked around the house; and Ive put all my spritually meaningful books on a tiny bookcase near my bed, so I see them first when I wake up. My bedroom feels like *mine* now, not just a place I sleep.
9. What movie have you watched during this quarantine?
A lot. My husband is liking the fluffy stuff, so we've rewatched the Mummy and Jurassic Park and Evolution and lots of low-stress, cheerful things. I'm happier now I've joined a folk horror watchalong - we are watching obscure 1970s british rural fantasy/horror television every evening. It's nice. I've never done one of these community thing before, but it is giving me a good sense of connection.
9b. (added) What are your reading right now?
I'm not a big reader, but I just finished the Great God Pan by Arthur Machen - which is great. Lovecraft always wrote he wished he was as good as Machen, which should give you a idea of the sort of thing it is.
10. What are you streaming with?
Youtube, mostly. My ex-girlfriend shares her netflix account with me, her sister's family and her parents; usually, I use it during the day while people are at work. However, it seems anti-social to do so now, when there are so many people relying on it.
11. 9 months from now is there any chance of you having a baby?
I don't think so. The joke about quarantine babies seems misguided to me. Lockdown is tense and stressful, both in terms of individuals and also on a relationship. I can't say I have much of a horn, you know?
12. What's your go-to quarantine meal?
My man cooks these phenomenal stews. The secret is adding a cupful of lentils - which thicken it up - and some hard and soft cheese - which gives it a far richer taste and texture. He showed me how to make them last week. Then, you throw in fresh/frozen veg, water and spices (or packet soup), and wait. It lasts for days, and gets tastier and tastier.
13. Is this whole situation making you paranoid?
Not really. I feel uncommonly blase emotionally. I don't like going to the store.
I have been stripping whenever I come back into the house, leaving potential contaminated clothes and shoes at the door, and swapping into "indoor" clothes; mail isn't touched for three days; and everything we get from the store, we strip off outer packaging/dunk in soapy water. If it's fresh fruit and veg, we leave it in a "quarantine drawer" of the fridge for three days. To me, this isn't paranoid - it's just risk reduction. It's comparatively easy to do, for a high potential benefit.
14. Has your internet gone out on you during this time?
We didn't have any internet for the first two months of the crisis. We arranged to have it put in about a week before lockdown, but there was a fault in the line. My man went to pieces. We have one smartphone between us, and we budgeted for an "unlimited data" package just for this period. But there were a couple of weeks where we were getting news from the radio, and telephone calls.
Now the internet is here, things were OK for a week - then my man's computer died. So...he's not super happy. We're trying to get it replaced. I have a laptop, which we are now sharing; but it isn't ideal.
15 What month do you predict this all ends?
I don't know how to quantify "ends", but like, this is going to be with us for a long time. The novelty has absolutely worn off for me. But until there's a vaccine, or a serious contact tracing breakthrough, it's going to be this and variations on this.
16. First thing you're gonna do when you get off quarantine?
Honestly? Nothing. I don't think this is going to end the way that wars end. I would like to visit a stately home, and I want to go to Avebury; and I'd like to order new fabric, dolls house tools and DVDs without feeling like I'm endangering warehouse and postal workers.
But my husband is high risk. So I've got to weigh my desire to go to town and see whatever "post-quarantine" party explodes, with the ongoing risk to his health until there is a vaccine. The logic of social distancing is: any amount of interpersonal contact, increases your risk. So every chance to go out which I can turn down, keeps him safer.
I'm fortunate, in a sense, because I'm disabled and I've already re-evaluated my priorities about what a good life looks like. It isn't easy or comfortable, I do have regrets - but I've spent years, now, working on acceptance, and adopting a new value system which makes this enough. I look out of the window at these majestic mountains, and imagine myself as a village witch who potters around up and down the hills, as cunning folk have done for centuries before me, and I find that good. Perhaps the ongoing situation will help me recommit to this goal, without craving the worldly. I've already accepted that my dream of going back to study is dead, and that's been like a great lifted burden.
17. Where do you wish you were right now?
At the {Redacted} hotel. It's a big, weird, spooky building we sometimes drive past. I'm longing to wander around inside.
18. What free-from-quarantine activity are you missing the most?
I'm not sure. This is pretty close to my everyday life. I want to visit Avebury, and I miss my in-laws. I'm missing going out to places and just walking around.
We were going to go on a "1970s wyrd" driving tour of Britain this summer, and I'm planning for that. For example, we live quite close to the village from the Great God Pan - but too far to get to safely.
What about: what quarantine activity are you enjoying the most? Every other day, I drag my husband into the hills to walk. He is a ranger, with forest stars in his eyes and hair, and usually too stressed to go outdoors. But we have nothing but time, now. So, every day, we walk. And this is good.
19. Have you run out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer?
No! I'm disabled, so, I always shop like I won't leave the house for months - because I frequently do. I've got a hand sanitiser stash in my "supplies for protests". If anything, the problem is that there are rules against "stockpiling" and who can get deliveries which disrupt my everyday routines/coping strategies around shopping.
I don't want to be antisocial, but now is one heck of a time to have to relearn how to shop. I always buy ten of everything, and then wait until it runs out.
20. Do you have enough food to last a month?
The food situation is really wigging me out. Yes, I have enough; but I'm a prepper, and I couldn't get my husband to take getting a stockpile seriously in January. Now, there's shortages - particularly flour. It's the lack of fresh bread which keeps sending us to the grocery shop. But again, having mentioned control and things you can do to provide an illusion of control, I think my stock cupboard is one of those things - like, if only we had more I would feel OK (but there will never be enough)
